hit me baby one more time: the romantic rewind

So, this week, the sun is shining. We all collectively somehow (?!) got sunburnt, recklessly decided not to take a coat out (it’s still March, come on) and ended up freezing our nips off walking back from the pub. And, it appears we’ve all been feeeling ourselves, our bodies in this sun SHINE, getting a little bit hornier, reaching out to some old flames and feeling a little more ‘fuck it’ (or just someone else) if truth be told. 

Because I am a LoVe nerd, I looked up – translate: googled – why we get friskier in the sunshine. 

And apparently:

“Sunlight is associated with serotonin, a key neurotransmitter in the ability to experience pleasure. As our serotonin levels rise, we may be feeling more frisky and open to sexual experiences. It’s a natural drug, and it is extremely powerful.”

No wonder I always feel kinda drugged up on sunshine. It all makes sense now!! And no wonder all those old dogs, new tricks have been wheeling their way into my whatsapp chat. This week in an effort to dispel any notion of the boy who triggered those tears in my last column, I saw someone, let’s call him Javier (sounds Spanish and hot of which he is frankly, neither) that I used to hook up with semi-regularly. It was one of those situations where whenever he’s in the city we would go for a drink to “catch up” and then somehow I’d end up wearing someone else's t-shirt, sat on the morning tube trying to avoid eye contact with commuters/ babies feeling like I have sandpaper in my eyeballs. ANYWAY, we move.

“Is anyone elses “sexy times” to body hair ratio also inversely linked??”

But this week, my hang out with Javier went a little differently. I’d (optimistically) shaved my legs, which I can almost bank on meaning nothing will happen. Is anyone elses “sexy times” to body hair ratio also inversely linked?? If I haven’t shaved my legs, something will ALWAYS happen, but if I have, all I do is end up tucked into bed with a box of chicken nuggets, dissatisfaction and a hangover for company. Plz tell me this also happens to other humans.

On Saturday afternoon I went to meet Javier at his place for a bit of an ego hit. There’s always a bit of flirting, a bit of something and since my cry-y date (yikes) I’ve been in need of some sweet sexy boosts. But, he was kind of off too. The normal banter-y flirtatious flow that we normally slip into, was kind of stilted. He was pissed off about something, venting about a girl I think he’d been seeing, and I was still feeling kind of raw from all the random EMOTIONS that had been triggered by that goddamn date a couple weeks back. Actually, if I’m honest, the last few times I’ve hung out with Jav (this entirely fictional name, we’re on nickname terms now), I’ve come away feeling a little bit… taken from. Used, really. And not even in a hot way!! If you’re going to use and abuse me, at least make it roleplay, you know?

So, after he’d got annoyed about something random, inconsequential… I was stood in his garden, staring at the crusty BBQ and the sun fading from the day thinking I don’t want this. I don’t think like this. And if this meaningless, fun, sexy thing isn’t making me feel good, why the hell am I here? There’s something kinda nice about hooking up with someone where you know the 411. You know what they’re like when they get drunk, you know what vibe the evening will take depending on what drink they order or whether they cycled to meet you. There are tells. But I don’t think I was actually reaching for him. For this little sliver of intimacy. I think I wanted to feel like 21 year old me, that was happy to settle for the easy hits. It was her I was reaching for, and she just wasn’t there anymore.

I went back in, said I was going to order an uber and head home. I could tell he didn’t really care. Scrolling on his phone…. But just before the cab arrived he pulled me in for a hug and spooned me on the couch. It made me wonder, maybe I could? Just…. stay? For a little bit? Hit that rewind button baby, one more time. My phone dinged, the uber had pulled up. I untangled myself and took me (and my goddamn dignity) out the door.

If you’d like to avoid clicking rewind then hit this download button and get on The Sauce instead.