so, this week I kind of cried on a date??
I sorta cried on a kind of date recently guys. Like real tears. Not even in a “it was windy”, or “I was watching One Day and therefore had a viable excuse kind of a way”... no I cried from a conversation. And before you get all “WHO WAS IT TELL ME THEIR NAME/ POSTAL ADDRESS AND BLOOD TYPE” and hunt them down like that dad does in Taken, it was for good/ nice reasons??
When it happened, randomly, virtually assaulted by the tears, sat by the river at midnight I went “I’m so sorry this is so weird and very much not on brand for me”. I’m not a public crier, not for personal reasons anyway. Movies, music yeah totally! I’m a goner but when it comes to like, life things? I’m a bathroom crier, ya know the type, where you check no one else is in there, get yourself settled on the toilet seat, weep into some loo roll, admire the latrinalia (that’s the word for the words people scrawl on the bathroom door by the way) then fix your makeup and go back out and slap the world on the bum – in a cute, consensual way of course.
“Usually, I’m a bathroom crier, you know the check no one else is in there, have a weep, fix up my makeup then head out and slap the world on the bum.”
The tears came from a VERY much unexpected place. I think I’m sort of used to seeing someone and feeling slightly on edge, like I’m waiting for their slightly selfish or manipulative side to come out. I’ve had a lot of experiences where my willingness to open up to people, to “get PeRsOnAl” has kind of been used against me, later like ammunition. And I’m left feeling like a tiny little piggy with their tummy exposed. I can’t even really remember the specifics of what they were saying on this date, something about goodness, softness and how they thought I kind of embodied those things…. I was thrown by the honesty, where’s the irony here? The sarcasm? The gold studded refusal to give into sincerity which seems to echo round the mouths of every other guy who tells me things or asks me things because they want something. Me. Or my approval, the ego stroke, the kick they get out of using me or a version of me that they’ve created….? It was disorientating being in this new, plush, shaky landscape. Like walking through a wardrobe and finding it had turned inside out with a rainforest laying across the hangers and a river running beneath my feet.
And it was so goddamn freeing. For someone to talk like that. It made me want to be that truthful too. That brave. Which is really just what seeing someone is, isn’t it? It’s being hopeful. Having hope that you’ll be able to make each other better somehow. He said I should try and be vulnerable more often. Even to the barista at Pret (I’m sure they get enough life stories from randomers requesting Oat milk flat whites thank you), but it’s kind of true. The people you’re with mirror your energy right? Sorry to get so #Pisces about this shit, but it’s my birthday month, so indulge me. If you’re giving off a slick/ curated/ game playing/ tight 10 skit version of yourself, you’ll surround yourself with people that do the same so, give vulnerability a whirl. It’s the biggest trump card you’ve got, and you don’t even know it yet.
If you’d like to try your luck at landing some dates (hopefully of the non tear- inducing variety) then hit this download button.