what the ick?
The definition of the ick: the sudden onset of the feeling that a person to whom one was previously attracted is suddenly unattractive to the point where physical contact seems revolting.
I went to the “ FLERAL” coven – I’ve condensed feral/ flirty okay guys!! Let’s make it happen, Gretchen – to see what their weirdest icks were, what the hell it is, why it develops and what to do when it does. Is the ick a fundamental gut instinct or just a moment of momentary panic? Can you unick the ick? Let’s find out sailors.
I had a theory that we develop the ick when our attraction for someone has already started to wane. And the “ick” element we’ve zoned in on becomes the perfect fall guy, the reason why we simply CANNOT be touched / hand held/ sniffed by our beloved. Beyond the more pivotal reasons that we tend to break up with people like different priorities, moral codes, a preference for real life murder documentary series over romcoms etc. My theory about attraction wasn’t far off but turns out the smaller ‘ick’ things are kind of linked to the bigger ones too.
The ick is an ACTUAL psychological phenomenon. According to myriad interweb psychologists, it’s a direct response to some kind of unconscious communication that occurs in a relationship and indicates that something about the human you’re dating, does not align with who you are and the way you like to live your life. It often results in people feeling irritated, repulsed, ashamed or embarrassed of the person they’re with and overcome by the feeling that they can’t be near to or touched by that person. (Ouch, I know.)
I once broke up with a girl because she drank too much Diet Coke….
But thinking back on it.... that’s not realllly a thing. If I had really still liked her I would have bathed in a bird pond of carbonated drinks and suckled at the tit of Sir Coke. Her penchant for these drinks at all times of the day – first thing in the morning, the last thing at night – was a signifier of something else. Her laziness. Her lack of ambition. She’d get up in the morning, have a coke and play video games. And that was what killed my attraction to her, not that she seemed to love this random flavoured drink. But I remember latching onto this one fact as my justification for wanting to end things, because I felt like I needed a reason, something concrete to justify it to my friends. “It just doesn’t feel right” sounds a bit vague, floaty, unsubstantial somehow. Her love of carbonated drinks, said something larger about who she was as a person, and it didn’t align with what I wanted. Not to be that betch, but ambition is sexy and the opposite (for YOURS truly anyway), just ain’t.
Even if the exact ick itself seems kind of petty, it can be an indicator of something quite pivotal. Put simply, the ick is a visceral unconscious gut reaction in response to someone’s smell, behaviour or value system. (SMELL. See, it’s not just me and I’m so glad that my obsession with people’s smells has been vindicated here guys.) Think about an ick you’ve had, and then think about it some more, at a deeper level. Was it just something physical that didn’t quite match up or did it indicate something about who that person was, how they liked to spend their time and did that actually conflict with who you are?
Her love of carbonated drinks at all times of the day said something about who she was and it didn’t align with what I wanted
When does it happen?
The timing of the ick sensation is important. It’s different to doubting if you just want to be with someone. According to Gurpreet Signh, a delightful psychotherapist the “ick is much more repulsive”. It’s a “deep feeling that they’re not somebody you want to be with”. It tends to happen early on in a relationship, when suddenly the honeymoon phase becomes a videogame whacko nightmare of dreams and dating them feels like you’re trapped into a game with a random ass stranger and no end in sight… maybe I’ve just watched too much Squid Game. But it happens when you’re just getting to know someone, in the first few weeks and certain repeated behaviours give you the ick. It’s a sign that you’re probs incompatible. If you start to have doubts later down the line in a relationship…. that’s more of an indication that you’re drifting apart and your relationSHIP is about to sink sweetpea.
After all of your GLORIOUS submissions, I’ve noticed that the ick divides into a couple of categories: behaviour or things that indicate someone's value system and then purely biological, physical icks. Both are equally important and #valid reasons for finding someone repulsive ok :)
I would recommend doing a rehearsed reading of these to your housemates
The ick list
To summarise, icks that you can actually avoid/ control are:
Have good (table) manners
And clean yourself for god’s sake
BUT WAIT A MINUTE….
Before you launch into a full on existential crisis and crush each and any of the “ick” habits that may apply to you from the beautiful poem above... don’t. What I realised when I was inundated by ick stories, is that everyone has their own highly specific, niche icks which were applied to a very specific situation (and person). Actions, ticks, habits, things that another potential crush would ABSOLUTELY get away with if you really were attracted to them. The ick is a gut reaction to a specific human being behaving this way and it CANNOT be tamed, so basically you can’t help either feeling or triggering the ick on someone else. What great news! Happy Christmas! Feliz Navidad, namaste. An ick is just a sign that there is something not quite right in a relationship. And take it as a blessing, a sign that you should move on and find someone who does feel “right”. It’s not a sign that you should self correct or enforce a strict regimen of transforming the object of your affections.
WHY do we ick?
Attraction is a “flip flop” phenomenon, often the thing that attracts you to someone can be the same thing that repulses you, because human beings are just fun that way. In a way, this makes sense, because clearly when you first start seeing someone, there is a strong feeling of attraction, so when the ick grips you by the nipples, you’re left confused as to HOW it occured? Why didn’t I notice this earlier? How did I NOT notice this earlier? Let me give you some examples. If you started out loving someone’s sense of humour, you may feel frustrated that you can’t actually have a serious conversation when you’ve had a s*** day. Or if you loved how spontaneous someone was when you first started dating, eventually their inability to plan ahead becomes stressful. Someone who once appeared decisive, is now just controlling. And so on. See, flip flop, it explains why we manage to find ourselves in scenarios where we were initially content, thriving even, in a relationship and then suddenly feel like we’ve inherited a tamagotchi that refuses to die, ya know.
“When the ick grips you by the nipples, you’re left confused as to HOW it occurred?!”
Is it an ick or is it just a defence mechanism?
If you keep finding that you’re getting into situationships that end after being icked out, you might need to consider whether you’re doing it as a bit of a self defence mechanism to avoid the screaming chasm of your black black heart! Whenever you get the ick, think – am I being too picky? Unreasonable? Could I put up with this behaviour long term and is this actually happening because I fear intimacy or rejection? YOIKES. Did someone say sincerity, let's get that outta here. But, yes, think about it. Start with the man in the mirror. It’s not you, it’s me….? Maybe.... Don’t self sabotage your way out of a good thing.
WHAT to do when the ick strikes?
There’s nothing you can do when the ick slaps you in the face like a phat fish. It’s a biological response. The combination of you and that other person, just don’t work hunny. So in a way, as that old adage goes, it’s not just them, it actually is you too. Think about two human beings like they’re both emitting little signals, little aliens with TV antennas on their heads. A unique signal is created by each, but they both need to have the right kind of paraphernalia to accept the other person's signal and read it successfully. Sometimes, one little alien is wearing a snapback with pompoms playing Mariah Carey and the other, a headband blasting Puccinni. Their signals conflict. And no matter how hard they try, they can’t make the mashup work. Both ends need to be working together fluidly for a relationship to function. The fact that your signal is broken with this other human is down to the combination of the two of you. Someone out there will love that one person that harmonises with every song on command, that another is an awkward dancer, snort laughs or (horrifically) calls wagamammas wagas.
When the ick happens, it’s game over. But be kind, consider why it’s happening or if it’s something you can put up with longterm and keep wearing your little freaky deaky alien signal hat and sure enough there’ll be someone, out there somewhere blasting a tune that blends perfectly- imperfectly with yours.
The great thing about The Sauce, is that it makes it easy to weed out the weirdos and spy an ick from a mile away. G’bless video content. Download it here.