i’m pretty sure the friend zone doesn’t exist

The friend zone. You can hear those words in the deep, gravelly tones of Morgan Freeman’s voice echoing around your tiny, little brain. It’s the place nobody wants to be, because when you’re in the friend zone, it’s a solo kinda zone…. It means that one person has feelings for somebody that has their literal tongue down the throat of Kat from the lacrosse team and you’re standing watching them in the kitchen at a house party, whilst making your way through the family sized pack of kettle crisps, plotting your revenge, ya know. (too specific??) 

I’ve been friend zoned. And I know it tends to happen less to women, but I also have a speciality in developing feelings for people I’m already close to (aka in human speak – friends). And I’ve also done my fair share of “friend zoning” other people, sometimes it’s a defence mechanism, a self protective measure. If I feel uncertain about my dynamic with someone, I’ll preemptively friend zone myself, it’s a knee jerk reaction to avoiding rejection I think. I call it bro zoning. It’s when I start to call them “dude”, “bro” or “mate”. Words that I wouldn't normally use.... And if you can get a fistbump or high five in there, you’re well on your way to building a small palace in the friend zone. 

So, why is this week’s column called “I’m pretty sure the friend zone doesn’t exist?” I hear you cry. Well folks. It’s because even after all this time playing around with it, I don’t actually think that it does or, rather, that the phrase itself should exist. It’s a pretty brutal phrase for simply mismatched feelings. And the friend zone only occurs when there’s been a lack of communication about what people want. When blurred lines are reveled in, flirtatious exchanges underpinned by the knowledge that someone is unavailable. When things are vague but end up going south, the “friend zone” is an easy excuse to rationalise rejection, confusion or impatience.

The friend zone automatically assumes that every interaction, only derives it’s value from the fact that a relationship could lead to sex

And more importanté is that the friend zone automatically assumes that every interaction, only derives it’s value from the fact that a relationship could lead to sex or a relationship. And, hate to break it to you, but no one is entitled to sex. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow, but the “friend zone” makes it easier, because it’s this intangible, remote space that feels disconnected from you, like you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a hellscape winter wonderland but have been plied with gluhwein so feel like you have to stay. But friendship, ain’t a consolation prize, something that you just have to swallow. Some of my best friends are people that I at one stage had feelings for. And I wouldn’t say that we’ve “friend zoned” each other, I’d say we’re now just genuinely friends, with no expectations of sex or snogs, we’re now people that have about as much sexual tension as a smol, dry piece of toast. 

The friend zone also sounds like purgatory, a space you can never escape from, when there are plenty of people I know who have ended up going out with someone they’d long ago decided was not romantic material. Feelings develop, things change. People are living breathing, movable, snogging things. Nothing is set in stone. Relationships grow and to abide by something like the “friend zone”, devalues the friendship you’re partaking in. Attraction can grow from friendship, fuck buddies can revert to just buddies. Human relationships are porous things, we can be absorbed by another human in unexpected ways, at any time. Relationships don’t ever stop evolving.

People are living breathing, movable, snogging things. Nothing is set in stone.

And I’m not saying that you should hold out. Wait for a friend to magically start fancying you, a la every rom com ever. But in this sexually fluid, liberal world in which we live I think it’s about time that we jettisoned the phrase altogether. The whole concept is outdated, because it rests on a world in which hetersexuality is the norm – the whole “men and women can’t be friends because sex always gets in the way” thing. It’s a movable feat, so why are we so obsessed with categorising everyone and everything either into it or out of it? Can’t we just play it COOLS for once?

If you want to avoid all this complication, download The Sauce, where you’ll find people who are strictly DTK. (Down to kiss guys).