Caspar the friendly ghost :)
It’s getting colder, our nips are getting pointier and omicron is making us want to omicry!! But one thing that will remain, without fail, for the duration of all these trials and tribulations? A constant, in a world of uncertainty...ghosting. Just a quick q to the floor, when did we become so okay with treating other people like s***? The quick fade into nothingness. The haunting feel of the double tick, the “seen” greyed out wording thrumming in your face. It makes you want to spoon out your own insides. Social media and yes, dating apps too, definitely have a part to play in the lack of accountability we have for other humans’ emotions. Everyone’s disposable in a digital world. It’s made us all so damn casual about being ruthless.
Years ago, if you made a connection with someone at a party. It had to be there and then. You’d connect, exchange numbers, go on somewhere else, to a restaurant, back to someone’s house. Relationships were treated with the reverence which they deserve to be. Connections are precious little sparks, but these days? You can ghost so easily. I’ve done it, you’ve probably done it (intentionally or otherwise). All care taken, no responsibility. It’s the easiest way to get out of doing something uncomfortable (ending a friendship or relationship with someone) or to just eke something out and avoid seeing someone you frankly, don’t want to see.
The other thing is that humans are so easily accessible now. Put me down, pick me up, find a new toy, then later rediscover me after 4 months, by sending a voice note saying you miss me, and ignoring your absence entirely. Talk about #triggered.
There were some pretty haunting ghosting stories by the fleral gang:
I was ghosted after dating for 4 months. We met on the beach in Dubai. He was American and we would meet for these super romantic trips, in Washington, London, San Fran. He worked in the special forces, went to South America for work and after a very patchy phone call, I never heard from him again. Just an email 3 months later apologising.
Samantha (30), London
These were particularly savage. You have to be a certain kind of human to be okay with doing this to another person. Even though it proves no comfort, you just have to think, it’s not you and it is definitely them. (Really). Something is happening in their own lives, their own heads, or the re-enactment of some kind of pattern set by a previous relationship that is playing out here.
FROM THE GHOSTERS THEMSELVES:
Definitely not okay, but obviously a go-to move. Absolutely the cowards way out. 😬
Harry, 24 London
It is the coward's way out. Just letting something die is the easy way out. There’s no awkward conversations, no feeling bad, you just float off into the atmosphere and hope like hell you don’t ever run into them. And hate to break it to you, but it is possible to ghost someone after a first date.... If they’re messaging you and you’re not replying (unless they were really rude/ offensive/ downright awful on the date and you legitimately despise them) you do kinda owe it to them to say, “YO HUMAN, I’m not interested but have a nice life.”
THE GHOSTS THAT COME BACK TO LIFE….
Take a looksie at the submission below….. Someone wasn’t replying because they were in an actual coma. Pretty unique, no? Who hasn’t had the thought at least once when someone they fancy hasn’t replied and you wonder: maybe something awful has happened? Maybe someone died? Their phone got stolen? They themselves got stolen!!! But… probs not, ya know? On that note…..
HERE’S WHAT TO SEND SOMEONE INSTEAD OF GHOSTING THEM:
After multiple dates
Hey X,
Sorry for the radio silence! It’s been really great getting to know you over the last couple of weeks. [Insert some kind of inside joke/ reference to something you’ve done] I haven’t really been feeling like we have that romantic spark/ chemistry/ vibe I’m looking for. But would still like to be friends if you’d like to be. X
(Delete as appropriate – if you don’t actually want to be pals, don’t offer. Sometimes, you got enough friends.)
After one date
Hey X
Really enjoyed meeting you! But I didn't really feel we had romantic chemistry. Hope you have a good week/ lovely Christmas/ nice life x
After a relationship
Pick up the phone or meet them in person. Don’t be that person.
FRIENDS GHOSTING :(
Friends ghosting is so much worse. Old friends, the ones that you’ve known forever and they just disappear for 6 months and come back with no explanation.
May, 25 London
There’s actually nothing more heartbreaking than losing or growing apart from a friend and when someone just stops replying. In these cases, it’s even harder to call it out, or announce that a friendship is over. It just happens. Friendships are so much more fragile in many ways, because we don’t talk about them, how they function, how we communicate, what we need. It seems so much more demanding and needy for some reason than if it’s just a romantic entanglement. What I find strange, having had best friends suddenly become just “news friends” (people you get together with once every three months and swap news instead of knowing the intricacies in eachothers lives in real time), is that when they float out and eventually back into your life baring gifts and riding a camel, they expect the same level of intimacy. Like flicking a switch. It would be funny, if it weren’t also so painful. People can be important to you at one time in your life, in shaping who you are and who you became, but not important to you anymore. I think we need to be okay with that idea. To let go of the fever dream teen friendships that sustained us when we were unsure, hiding from the party painting each other’s nails in some random boy’s bedroom. To say, thank god they existed in that time, and then move on from them, let go of them.
HOW TO TAKE BACK THE POWER AND STOP BEING GHOSTED
The worst thing about ghosting of course, is the not knowing. Suspended. In limbo. You don’t know where you are with another human being. It’s a powerless emotion.
The only way to get out of limbo? Express yourself. Say what you need and expect out of a friendship or relationship and then if they don’t follow through, that’s on them. But take the power back! Stop being at the mercy of someone else’s qualms. It’s not fair to you, and if they really want you in their life, they’ll recognise that. “But I don’t want to seem too keen/ intense/ sensitive??”. You’re not. It’s called having boundaries. Welcome. It’s not a comfortable or particularly fun place, but future you will thank you for it! And here endeth the epistle.
Or just find someone else banging, minus the pass ag ghosting vibes and download The Sauce.